The Inner Monologue of Nick Miller
by An Uninspired Writer
Summary: Set sometime early in season 1, roughly independent of the show, just my take on a quiet moment at the loft between Nick/Jess when they're first becoming friends. My plan is to add more chapters and see what happens
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Note: **I wanna start this out by saying hello to my future self, and reminding that person to not feel too embarrassed that you wrote fanfiction for a sitcom. I'm in a weird place in my life right now, and New Girl is something that is making me very happy. I also connect a ton with the character of Nick, and I really want to write about him.

To the rest of you readers, I'm not quite sure where I will go with this, or even what this is, but I just wanna write about Nick and Jess and see where it goes. Also, because this is the world of writing, and not the world of the beautiful faces and acting of Jake Johnson and Zooey Deschanel, this has a much more serious tone. It's still the characters you know and love, but I just don't have the skills to write out the goofy and awesome things they actually do and say in the show.

**The Inner Monologue of One Nicholas Miller**

Things had changed a lot ever since the blue-eyed brunette Jessica Day had walked through the door of apartment 4D in response to a Craigslist ad, Nick thought to himself. Prior to her arrival, with Schmidt's constant need for his beauty sleep, and Winston's need to do whatever the hell it is that Winston does, Nick had always seemed to find himself alone. It's not that he was lonely, he lived with his two best friends, its just that because of his constantly changing work schedule, he had no set routine throughout his days. Sometimes he would work from lunchtime until late afternoon, hanging out with the regular drunks, and sometimes he would be working until the dead of night, mixing cocktails for UCLA undergrads who thought their fake ID's were fooling him. He always pretended that this was the way he preferred things, but at times Nick caught himself daydreaming about what ifs. What if he had never dropped out of law school? What if he had stayed home in Chicago? What if he had asked Caroline to marry him? He loved being able to take a day to get drunk at the zoo, to write 100 pages about zombies and then delete all of them, or to watch every game from the 1996 NBA finals as he was doing now, but at the same time, he knew that living like this wasn't how it was supposed to be. Life was supposed to be more. Life was supposed to be about setting your eyes on what you want, and then chasing it as hard as you can; right now Nick knew that he wasn't living his life, he was just floating through it.

He looked to his right from his well worn spot in the brown leather couch where the two lines of the "L" shape met, raising his eyes to where Jess was knitting. After a brief second she noticed his gaze and slowed her hands, looking up from her work to meet his eyes with her own. A smile grew like a sunflower blooming in the sun, and Nick thought that he had never seen someone whose smile looked more at home on their face. Her smile in this moment was shy, but also communicated how utterly comfortable she was in that moment. She lazily went back to her knitting, clicking the needles with ruthless efficiency once again. How did she do that? Make a perfunctory smile feel to him like a beam of light sent straight from his own personal sun?

When she first moved in he was annoyed by her entire _thing_. He had never thought of himself as a lonely person, a loner maybe, but not lonely, but he certainly liked to have moments to himself, with a cold beer in hand. She would constantly interrupt his solitary moments, whether they be late at night, or in the middle of the afternoon, just by sitting down near him and infecting the air with her soft presence. He would fight against this in his own mind, battling with himself over whether he should just go to his room and sit, or to kick her out. He once shot her a perplexed dirty look for daring to sit with him when he was watching _Fight Club _at 2 AM, but she looked back at him with such perfect, and innocent confusion that Nick had no choice but to accept her company. It was as if she was magnetically attracted to providing comfort to him, even though he didn't even know he needed it, or wanted it.

Nick knew he was broken. The way he saw it was that he and his roommates were just like their plates. Schmidt had a large white and blue dinner plate with fancy engravings on it that he had purchased in Chinatown for way too much money. Winston used a bowl, no matter what they were eating, but all Nick had was a plain white plate. It had a chip missing out of the side, and there was a crack going down the middle that was a real bitch to clean, and Nick couldn't be bothered to go buy a new one. But ever since Jess came into his life, it was as if she was a warm clay that just attached herself to him, and she was filling in the cracks bit by bit.

"Y'know I think I might try and get myself promoted. To manager that is. At the bar." Nick blurted out. Surprising himself by breaking the silence.

Jessica peeked up from her knitting as she responded. "Oh yeah? Well you've been a bartender for years, I'm pretty sure you could run the place with your eyes closed. Might as well get paid for it." She chimed with a smile.

"Yeah you're right. Every time I go to work I plan on it being the day that I walk right up to Clyde, and tell him I want that promotion, but every time I chicken out. What if he decides he wants a bartender without such lofty goals?"

Jess chuckled and Nick returned her smile. "Typical Miller." As she rolled her eyes playfully, "But those aren't lofty goals. Clyde loves you, and it's obvious how capable you are. After all these years you're practically a shoe-in for the gig."

Nick's smile widened. "Thanks Jess. Todays the day I guess. I'm heading to the bar in about an hour, and I'll talk to him at the end of my shift." Nick disengaged from the conversation by directing his smile at Jess in thanks, and then looking back to the TV.

Nick felt better. He felt sure of something for once. He had once heard that people always pointed their feet at what they want, and now he was pointing his feet at that bar manager job. It was like he was aiming himself through a thick fog towards a target he could barely see, but he was definitely headed in the right direction. But he was also sure of something else: he was very glad that Jessica Day had decided to move into loft 4D with them, and he was very glad she was now a part of his life.


	2. True American

**True American**

**Chapter 2**

The hustle and bustle of Clyde's bar all melted together to form a backdrop of white noise. Schmidt, Winston and Jess were all sitting comfortably in the maroon leather bar stools under the dim lights, while Nick leaned casually against the bar on the other side, resting his head on one hand, while the other flicked lazily through his messy hair, his eyes resting on the melting ice in the glass of whiskey in front of him. It was a Thursday night, which means that most responsible adults were at home in bed, but here the loftmates were. Surrounded by other irresponsible adults.

Nick had been manager for about a month and a half, he smiled back at the memory of asking for the promotion. The whole shift he had walked by Clyde's office, slowing down every time he was near the door, but chickening out each time. Finally Clyde had shouted "Nick what the fuck are you doing out there?"

Nick stepped in the office and took a deep breath while Clyde looked at him expectantly and with confusion. "So Clyde… I was thinking I'd like to step up and take that bar manager job. I'm almost 30 now, and I think it's about time I got a little bit more money and responsibility."

Clyde sighed in deep relief, but then turned his grey eyebrows up and gave Nick a questioning look. "Oh thank God. I thought you were quitting. Aren't you already the manager?"

"What? No?" Nick said with a confused laugh.

"Oh, well shit. Sure Nick it's all yours." Clyde had responded simply.

Snapping back to reality as a 20-something blonde ten feet to his left waved her arm to get his attention Nick walked over to her. "What'll it be?" He said casually.

"I know it's not normally what a girl like me would like, but I could really go for an old fashioned." The girl said coyly. Nick nodded his head, and pursed his lips in concentration as he moved in a well practiced blur. He grabbed a sugar cube from a compartment to his right, while simultaneously grabbing a cup from below the bar. Setting the cup on the bar, he placed the sugar in the cup while splashing it down with a couple dashes of bitters. Finally he crushed the sugar in the cup with a muddler, while filling the glass with golden brown bourbon. "You're pretty fast with your hands." The girl tried to say, as he slide the glass across the bar to her, while simultaneously sliding the money from where she had placed it in front of him. He nodded at her with a slight smile, and as he turned his back to her to walk back over to his friends, he didn't notice the slightly disgruntled look on her face from how little attention he gave her. He did however notice the smirk on Jessica Day's face.

"What are you laughing at?" Nick said to her as he returned to his place with his friends. She just shook her head at him, and looked down with a laugh, finishing the last of her drink while her straw made a dissatisfied sucking noise in the bottom of the glass.

Jess turned her head back up, and looked around at her 3 friends. "So are we just gonna sit here and drink all night? I've got school off tomorrow, and I feel like I never get to go out with you guys!"

Schmidt snapped his head over to Nick, then quickly over to Winston. "She's a part of the loft now. Maybe it's time we taught her."

Nick groaned. "C'mon man! She's only been living with us a couple months. Don't you think we should give it more time?"

Jess was completely baffled and intrigued. "Teach me what? What are you guys talking about? C'mon Nick I wanna know!" She said as she stamped her foot against the floor.

Winston took his glass and lifted it to his mouth, finishing the rest of his rum and coke. "I agree with Schmidty on this one, Nick. It's been too long since we played a full game. We've got even teams now too."

Schmidt clapped his hands once excitedly, and stood up walking towards the door, Winston close behind. Jess just looked at Nick with a completely bewildered expression. "What is going on?" she said.

"Oh you'll see. It'll be awesome. Don't worry I'll be on your team." Nick reassured her. He walked to the far end of the bar, yelling out over his shoulder that he was heading home for the night. He motioned for Jess to follow him as he walked towards the exit.

"The game is True American…"

Nick looked at Schmidt as he continued on with his well practiced monologue explaining the game they all loved so much. His eyes were lit up like a damn kid on Christmas morning as he explained the incredibly complex rules to Jess. Jess just kept nodding, and Nick knew that she was trying desperately to follow along. Winston would chime in with random pieces from the game every 10 to 15 seconds, and Jess would quickly look over at him and nod again. She had a smile frozen on her face that was a weird combination of fear, determination, and joy. Nick knew how important it was to her to feel like one of the guys, and he interrupted Schmidt's whole spiel with the most important rule of True American.

"When you aren't sure, just drink."

Schmidt acknowledged the advice with a very serious nod as he passed out a can of beer to each player. Jess and Nick were standing next to each other on one side of a small round table, while Schmidt and Winston were on the other. In the center of the table was an elaborate maze of beer cans stacked on top of each other, with a shining bottle of Jack Daniels as the centerpiece. The two teams looked at each other, and there was a slight chill in the air from the competitiveness radiating off of each player.

"One, two, three, four, JFK...FDR!" Everyone shouted in unison, as they all cracked their beers and drank as fast as they could.

The rest of the night was an absolute blur for Nick Miller.

Beer cans were flying everywhere, they were running around the loft, jumping on the furniture, and yelling out memorable quotes from American history. Jess took to the game like a fish in water. At one point Nick remembered her repeatedly yelling "A house divided must fall! A house divided must fall! A house divided must fall!" as she pelted Schmidt and Winston with empty beer cans while they tried to balance together on a chair with only 3 legs.

He remembered putting Jess on his shoulders while she held the bottle of Jack high in the air with one hand, and screaming "Lady liberty smiles on you!"

He remembered yelling out "Great is the guilt of an unnecessary war!" as he poured the last of the Jack Daniels down his throat.

But that was pretty much all her remembered.

Now he was lying in an uncomfortable position. Light was beginning to flood into the loft from all directions, causing his head to spin. He looked over to the digital clock on the cable box and saw that the time was 5:07. His mouth tasted like metal and like whiskey, and his stomach felt like someone had put his insides through a blender. His back was pushed up uncomfortable far like an inchworm, and he could feel himself laying on top of Schmidt. Nick's arms were splayed in front of him over Winston, and his face was pushed straight into his side. He started to sit up, and when he did everyone else groaned simultaneously. There was a stabbing pain in his neck and back, but he managed to get to his feet without throwing up or collapsing, and walked to his own room. The shades were drawn, and it was still very dark after he slipped passed the door. He was so groggy that his eyes were about 80% closed, and he couldn't be sure that he wasn't still drunk. He collapsed onto his soft bed with his arms spread wide, and his left forearm landed on something that didn't belong.

"Asknotwhatyourcountrycandooo…" Jess' voice drawled out, half delirious. Normally Nick would have screamed, and possibly peed a little, but he was so hungover he hardly noticed.

"Scoot over." He said with a gruff voice as he continued to lay face down on the bed.

Jess just made an "Mmm" noise and tucked herself further under his arm.

Tired beyond belief, and deliriously hungover, Nick lifted up the left side of his body to escape, but she immediately scooted and settled into the space made near his chest under his arm. He stiffened for a moment, but then lost energy and his muscles collapsed into relaxation. He adjusted his arm around her waist so that it would sit comfortably, pushed his face into the space on the pillow behind her neck, and settled into a position to fall asleep on his side.

"G'night." Jess said with a muffled voice.

"You too." Nick responded with his face still in the pillow as he drifted off to sleep.

**Authors Note: **The next chapter will pick up later on in the morning. Thanks for reading! Still don't know where this story is going at all.


	3. A Morning in the Life of Jessica Day

**Morning After**

**Chapter 3**

Jessica Day woke up in the late morning when she heard Schmidt and Winston moving about in the kitchen trying to cook eggs. She noticed immediately and with surprise that there was someone in bed with her. She could feel one arm tucked beneath her body around her waist tucking her gently against a broad and soft chest. At first she was extremely confused, but when she turned her head to get a better look she felt Nick's patented 2 day old scruff against her neck. Part of her was distressed. She was the type of girl who always put her relationships with people into boxes: boyfriends go in the box on the right, friends go in the box on the left, and Nick was firmly in the left box, but it just felt so damn good to be held again. After her last relationship with Spencer she hadn't experienced this level of intimacy with anyone. She had hooked up with a few guys in the months she had been living in 4D, but to them she always played the part of cool-girl-Jess-who-didn't-want-to-cuddle-and-just-wanted-sex, and she never even bothered to say "So you'll call me later?"

But finally, for the first time since she saw some red headed floozy walk out of her and Spencer's room, she was letting her guard back down. She didn't know what this meant, and she didn't feel like questioning it, but there was something about the way Nick Miller was holding her; he had her pinned against him as if she was his secret that he was keeping from the world. It felt so good that there was no way it was wrong. For just a moment, she could pretend that she belonged to someone again. That someone would actually want her enough to claim her all to themselves.

"Isn't it sad that you're pretending this means something right now? He's just your roommate and he was too lazy and drunk to kick you out of his bed. Also, who knows when he last showered." Jess' inner voice whispered cruelly at her.

For a second Jess felt the ghostly stinging behind her eyes that accompanied tears, but she pinched them shut forcefully. She had fought hard to be accepted by the men of the loft, and she knew that with each tear she would overrule a time where Nick offered her a beer without saying anything, or a time when Winston didn't freak out when he remembered he had a female roommate while he casually wore his boxers in the kitchen. She was one of the guys now, and she couldn't let them see her getting upset about something so silly.

Suddenly, Nick took a sharp intake of breath that comes before a yawn, and began shifting into being awake. For a brief moment he tightened and stretched his muscles as he pulled Jess somewhat possessively against him, but before she could notice the change he relaxed and let out his breath into a loud yawn. He slipped his arms out from around her, and then rolled onto his chest and stood up in one fluid motion.

"Good morning Jess. Some night."

Jess listened carefully for some message in the tone of Nick's voice, but couldn't find any. She noted the way his Chicago accent seemed to peek out, and the way his tired voice was very gravelly and quiet. She rolled to face him, thankful that she had been able to so easily quell the tears that threatened earlier.

"Morning to you too. I don't know how I ended up in here, I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere and not noticed."

Nick smiled at her teasingly. "It's okay Jess. You can admit it. I know you haven't been able to stop thinking about me ever since you caught my Caribbean dance party. I'm not judging if thats what you're in to."

"Oh yeah of course that's it." Jess retorted with a laugh while she stood up on the other side of the bed and began walking towards the door. "I should probably get out of here before my resistance to you runs out."

Nick followed her toward the door and casually pressed a hand against the small of her back as he opened the door for her and followed her into the living room. "Well you're welcome back anytime. That was some of the best sleep I've ever gotten in my life." He said to her in a quiet voice that hinted at an underlying vulnerability.

The sudden shift from teasing to apparent sincerity was almost enough to make her head spin. "Was he serious? Was that a real offer?" Jess thought to herself. She continued over and plopped onto the couch as if it had no effect on her. She decided to test the waters, but remain noncommittal. "Likewise. I might have to take you up on that one sometime. It was… nice."

Nick caught her eye as he found his familiar spot on the couch, and the look in his eye was intense, but tinged with sadness, it was powerful enough that Jess could feel it all the way down into her stomach. "I know exactly what you mean." He said in a quiet voice.

**Authors note: Hope you guys can connect with some of Jess' feelings in this chapter. I think we all know what its like to be in a new place and feel like you don't belong a little bit. I'm a little worried that I'm playing the characters inconsistent, so just remember that this is my adaptation of them. They say that people can only write about what they know, so the way that Nick and Jess are in my story is ultimately going to be tainted by the things that I think and feel. Reviews are greatly appreciated, and honestly I wouldn't even mind some recommendations about where to take this plot-wise. I'm really just doing this to write about the inner thoughts of these two great characters, and I'm making it up as I go along.**


	4. Movie Night

**Chapter 4**

**Movie Night**

**Authors Note: **Google the basic premise of the movie _Limitless_ if you've never seen it. I couldn't figure out a way to explain the plot in-story without it seeming forced and awkward.

Nick grabbed 2 shot glasses from the cabinet above the sink, and carried a mostly full bottle of Tequila back to the couch with him. He maneuvered around the kitchen island, and wiggled back into his familiar spot, slapping both glasses and the bottle in the center of the coffee table. The loftmates had all been sitting drinking beers all night, but Winston and Schmidt had headed off to bed a few minutes earlier.

Nick and Jess were both comfortably drunk, but they had decided to take a few shots and finish off the night with a movie. After Nick poured the second shot, he looked up at the TV to see that Jess had settled on a movie.

"This one good with you?" She said softly. She was sitting cross legged against the corner of the couch, with a beer tucked in between her legs.

She had settled on a movie called _Limitless_. The picture on the screen had a handsome movie star with a city blurred on both sides of him. "Sure. Looks pretty exciting." Nick responded.

He grabbed his shot glass, inclined his head at Jess, and tipped it back down his throat. "After all these years of borderline alcoholism, I still haven't got used to the burn." Nick thought to himself. Jess sat up, grabbed the shot glass, tapped it twice on the table, downed it, then grabbed her beer and finished that as well.

"Woah slow down there Don Draper. We both know you're a lightweight, you don't need to impress anyone. Besides we want to make it through the whole movie don't we?" Nick said with a laugh.

He reached for the remote from her hand, and then hit play. Jess scooted closer to Nick, and they were both sitting up straight next to each other with their legs touching on the sides, Nick had his arm along the back of the couch behind Jess' shoulders. The movie played for several minutes as they chatted amiably.

"Why is the volume so loud? Jesus Christ, Nick is your hearing really this bad?"

"You're the one that made me turn off the kitchen light because the 'glare was too bad!' Do your bat eyes not adjust to the light or something?"

He scrunched his face up at her in a deep frown and she just giggled at his expression.

As the movie played they unknowingly found themselves closer and closer together as if pulled forward by a gentle invisible force. Nick's arm had slipped from the top of the couch and was resting on the couch cushion, in direct contact with Jess' back and lying on top of her hair, and Jess pink slippered feet had somehow ended up tangled with Nick's wool socked ones. As the minutes ticked by, and as they got more and more into the movie, their conversation slowed. Every so often Nick or Jess would lean forward and refill their shot glasses, and each time they leaned back again they would end up closer and closer to eachother. By the end of the movie, they were completely snuggled up, and also thoroughly drunk.

As the credits began rolling, Nick broke the comfortable silence. "I really wish I could get my hands on a pill like that."

"Why's that?" Jess said quietly while her head leaned on his shoulder.

"I've never been the kind of guy that just _goes for it_ like that. Imagine what I could do if I wasn't so damn scared all the time. I wish I could change, but if everyone went to the beach to jump in the ocean, I guess I'm just the kind of guy that stays by the towels and holds on to the wallets."

Jess leaned her head slightly from his shoulder so that she could look him in the face. "Why?" She said simply.

Nick's head was still pointed towards the TV with his eyes unfocused, and his voice had taken on a wistful and nostalgic tone."I had to take care of my mom and brother when I was younger and my Dad wasn't around, and I couldn't afford to take those kind of risks… but I think it's just the way I've always been."

"Well what would you change Nick? What would you do if you could just take a pill and all of a sudden you could do all the things you've always wanted? Probably be out of here in a heartbeat, huh." Jess insisted.

Nick could feel Jessica's gaze on him. Her blue eyes were piercing him, and he turned his head to look into them. As he turned his head his brain was firing on all cylinders to formulate an answer, coming up with a list of what he wanted: law school, Caroline, writing a novel, being rich and successful, all of them immediately jumped to mind, but when his eyes met hers the list just went blank. Her eyes were focused on him, but the intensity was softened by a caring glint. Light seemed to dance on the surface of her eyes, and Nick was struck by how intensely blue they were. For a heartbeat, they just stared into eachother's eyes, faces inches away, both lost in the moment. But then, in a shift so subtle that only an omniscient narrator could be aware of it, Nick's head twitched infinitesimally at an angle towards Jess, and unbeknownst to her, her face twitched upwards towards his at a matching angle. Neither of them were even fully aware anything had happened, but the tiny movement was enough to break the spell.

Nick stood up warily, and Jess did the same, stepping backwards from him. They started walking uneasily towards their rooms, so close to each other that their arms were bumping. Nick's head was pointed downwards at the floor for the duration of the short, but very slow walk, but when they reached the threshold he turned and faced her.

"Y'know, I don't think I would change a thing. But one of these days, I'm going to take a risk and surprise us all."

Jess smiled sincerely at him. "I'll be waiting on it then Miller."

"I certainly wouldn't be out of here, Jess. You know me better than that. I couldn't live in some rich guy mansion all alone."

She reached and patted his hand softly, then walked into her room.

"Especially not now that I have something to stay for." She thought she heard through the door, but it was so quiet she couldn't even be sure.


	5. Dakota

**Authors Note: It's late as shit, and I'm super tired. So I hope their aren't any typos. Also, I had to change a ton of stuff around after I was like 90% of the way done with the chapter because I had completely forgotten a very important reason why I wanted to write things the way they are. It would be great if any of you guys wanted to be my beta, give my chapters a read before I release them. Anyways, enjoy the chapter, I'm starting to get some momentum now plot wise in my head, but I won't make any promises on it being updated timely, or containing any sort of meaningful story. My strength is more in the characterization or descriptions. **

**Chapter 5**

**Going for it**

The loftmates minus Nick were at their usual spot at Clyde's, sitting in a corner booth. The orange-brown leather of the booth seat formed a wide U shape, and faced outward at the rest of the bar. Jess was in the middle, with Schmidt sitting on her right, and Winston sitting on her left. There was a glass of pink wine in front of her on the table, a Piña Colada in front of Winston, and Schmidt was hugging a bottle of melon liqueur between his thighs, leaning down occasionally to drink from the massive bottle out of a straw.

It was no special occasion, just a Friday night, and they were bored at home so they decided to go out to the bar. It was getting near closing time, but they wanted to get drunk and sure as hell did not want to pay, so Clyde's was the place to go.

The bar was very busy, it was getting close to holiday season, and there were lots of people out celebrating the weekend. Jess and the boys had been sitting, talking, and just hanging out for a good hour, while Nick was behind the bar moving from customer to customer like an efficient whirlwind trying to accumulate as many tips as he could before closing time.

Though it wasn't even clear to him, it was clear to Jess why Nick was so reluctant to look for a "real job," and perhaps why he had dropped out of Law School in the first place. He was a hell of a bartender. The way he moved behind the bar, interacted with customers, and emanated authority and knowledge was downright admirable. He was the captain of his ship, but his ship was a somewhat dirty, yet respectable dive bar in Los Angeles. He grabbed bottles without looking, instinctively, as if he was operating a complicated machine that he had been trained for years to use.

Outside of Clyde's, he may be a chubby wilted flower who hates himself, but once he was behind that bar he was unquestionably in charge. It was the only place and time in his life where he was in complete control, and he also got to drink and share alcohol with people. Living a life full of regret and missed chances didn't matter anymore when he was working; maybe he was meant to be a bartender, and maybe that wasn't even such a bad thing.

Jess wasn't the only person that noticed Nick's obvious exceptional competency behind the bar, in fact she was one of many. Nick had never been the type of guy that attracted tons of female attention. Schmidt was always the one in his colorful suits and Kanye belts that would strut around the clubs like a peacock, getting looks from every girl, while Nick was just his flannel and jean wearing friend who followed in his shadow. To be sure, Nick got his fair share of girls, but they always seemed to happen by accident. He didn't have a pocketbook full of ridiculous ways to ask women to come home with him the way Schmidt did, they just somehow, seemingly magically ended up with him in his bed. But at work it was totally different. His aura of authority and knowledge drew women to him in droves, and he somehow didn't even notice it.

There were at least a dozen women spaced throughout the bar, that were unknowingly to all parties fighting in a vicious free-for-all for his attention. For example, there was Lacie, sitting at the far end of the bar, who kept ordering beer after beer to look like she could handle her liquor to impress him. While in reality she was pouring out some into the sink behind the bar when nobody was looking, or Hattie, who was sitting at a table directly adjacent to the bar, trying to make eye contact while simultaneously wrapping her lips around her straw, or Rachel, who was all the way at the opposite side of the bar from Lacie, and she was a little more shy. She just kept trying to start conversations with Nick, unfortunately for her he was so focused on pouring drinks and working that he was completely oblivious to her.

But then there was Dakota.

Dakota walked into the bar, striding with purpose, and sat down right in front of Nick. She was wearing a grey, tight fitting suit, and had a brown briefcase. She had big, green eyes, and neat, shining blonde hair that was tied in a tight bun. No bangs whatsoever. She looked directly at him and sounded out her drink order with a barely noticeable sigh like a well practiced mantra.

Nick started reaching for the bottle of Jack under the bar without needing to look down, and maintained eye contact with her with a slight smile. Nick was completely struck by her eyes. She had large eyes, just like Jess, but there was something different about them besides just the color. While Jess' eyes shone with curiosity and innocence, Dakota's were very grown up. Something about Dakota's seemed slightly darker. Whenever Nick made eye contact with Jess one of them would look away within a few short seconds, perhaps in an effort to deny the undeniable chemistry between them, but Dakota reacted very differently to his gaze. She looked very serious and intense, and she looked straight into him and through him, making no effort to shy from the powerful eye contact they were sharing. She slightly inclined her head, as if to say "Yeah, here I am." He was intrigued by her, and it certainly didn't hurt that she was an exceedingly attractive woman.

"How ya doing babe?" She said suddenly, leaning forward across the bar towards him. He sat the bottle of whiskey down on the bar top, and kissed her quickly on the lips. She shot him a blinding smile after they withdrew. "I'm doing just fine." he responded with a matching grin.

From across the sea of people at the bar, Jess had a clear view of their encounter. Who was she? How did Nick know her? Why was she dressed like that? Why were they kissing? Why were they smiling at eachother so big? Jess could feel her stomach churning uncomfortably with an emotion that she couldn't identify.

"Who's _she_?" Jess asked the two boys, with an accompanying point.

Winston turned his head in confusion to look at who Jess was talking about. "Who? Dakota?" He asked her. "You know about her don't you? Nick never shuts up about her, and you two are always together, so I would have thought you'd be sick of hearing about her by now."

"I guess he forgot to mention her." Jess responded quietly, turning her head down to take a big sip of her drink.

"You haven't noticed that Nick hasn't slept at the loft in a week? Don't know how he managed to snag him a blonde haired ice queen like that one, but my boy's been burning through condoms like it's his day job." Schmidt added enthusiastically, completely unhelpfully.

When she responded with a dirty look at Schmidt before returning to her drink, Winston stared at her for a moment confused as to why Jess was put off by Schmidt's douchey comment. Usually she just giggled, or if it was particularly offensive or bad, would make him pay a few bucks. But she was reacting differently to this.

The sound of a straw sucking at air interrupted Winston's thoughts, and Jess turned her head up to motion the waitress for another drink.

Another hour passed slowly, with less conversation than the previous one, but many more drinks. The mood had shifted slightly, and though Jess was still being cheery and happy, it was tinted with a note of something bitter. Usually the three of them would hangout until Nick was finished closing up, and everyone left, and then the 4 of them would all return to the loft together to continue the night, so they waited until all the other customers left, except one.

Nick was talking and laughing with _her_, completely entranced, barely even glancing over at his friends, much to Jess' annoyance. As the conversation continued to slow between Winston, Schmidt, and Jess, she just spent more and more time spying on Nick, until finally _she_ leaned in to whisper something in his ear, then leaned back and looked at him with a shy and questioning smile. Nick's lips formed a small "O" shape, and he laughed slightly teasingly, then walked around the end of the bar, grabbed _her_ hand, and began heading towards the exit, completely ignoring his waiting friends.

Just before he reached the exit he stopped suddenly, obviously remembering his manners, and told her something quietly, releasing her hand. He jogged over to their booth and set both hands on the edge of the table, across from Jess.

"Sorry to ditch out on you guys, but I'm gonna take off with Dax." He said quickly and happily, drawing his gaze from left to right, but then he stopped at Jess, and said "I'll see you tomorrow." His voice going up ever so slightly at the end, almost as if it was a question for just her. But then, he turned on his heel and jogged back to Dakota, grabbing her hand, and leading her out the exit.

It was a quiet walk for Jess home, Schmidt and Winston drunkenly and good naturedly talked about times of passed nights clubs or parties, but Jess just stayed 2 steps behind them and mostly looked at her feet. The only words she said the rest of the night were a quick "Good night," to the two of them as she slipped into her bedroom.

Jess slipped off her skirt and shirt quickly, but was too tired to bother putting on her full pajama outfit, so she just grabbed a flannel that she had stolen from where Nick had left it in the bathroom, slipped it on, and hopped in bed. She pulled the blankets all the way over her head, and laid face down on the pillow with a groan.

She had felt off all night, and her thoughts swirled of their own accord to all of the many unpleasant experiences she had had with guys over the years. Dropping her coat in front of Spencer, only to have some floozy walk out and see her naked, losing her virginity in a playground castle, or her first kiss when she cut her lip on Evan's braces and had to go get 3 stitches. Well maybe she hadn't felt off all night, she amended to herself. Mostly just after she saw Dakota and Nick, and after she realized that her best buddy in the loft, and her closest ally had been hiding it from her. But for fucks sake, what kind of nickname is Dax? Nick had to know that he sounded ridiculous calling her that. And really? Some green eyed blonde? That just really did not seem like Nick's type.

Not a good night for Jess, she decided glumly.

**Please review! Seriously it means so much to me when you review. I absolutely love checking my email and seeing that someone took the time out of their day to not only read what I wrote, but also to write me about what they thought, so please do! Feel free to criticize, or shoot me some suggestions on where to take this, I'm open to it. **


	6. Blonde Hair, and Green Eyes

**Author's Note: Long chapter, please review/favorite/follow as always! I love the feedback good or bad. I'm playing this whole thing very much by ear, and the reviews keep me going.**

**Chapter 6**

**Types**

"_Why don't you like her Jess?" _

After the incident at the bar, Nick had decided it was time to introduce the guys and Jess to "the girl he was sleeping with," as he so artfully put it, so when he got home from work the night after Jess found out about Dakota, he informed his friends that she would be coming to meet them and to stay the night.

The whole next day Jess had been on edge. She slept in so late that even Nick woke up before her, and when she finally did get up she showered for almost a full hour before grabbing a bag of potato chips and a bin of ice cream and going right back to her room.

Normally when Jess was in her room there was a constant reminder of her presence in the loft; she spent her time listening to loud music, singing, or otherwise broadcasting her whereabouts, but on the day that Dakota was going to visit, Jess was dead silent for the entirety of the day. Not a peep could be heard from her door,

Nick, on the other hand, was feeling pretty good; he had woken up bright and early: at 11:00, and had managed to have a very successful day. He cleaned up his room ( which consisted of moving all the dirty clothes into one big pile in the corner, instead of spread all over), shaved, showered, and went shopping. He was nervous for Dakota to visit tonight, and wanted everything to go well.

She was a successful lawyer at a small local firm, lived in a big apartment all by herself, and always dressed in muted colors. She had come to Clyde's while Nick was working, sat down in front of him, and ordered a neat whiskey. Immediately he was interested, but upon further conversation Nick thought that he had no chance with her. She was a beautiful blonde with intense green eyes, and she had life all figured out. She revealed throughout the conversation that she graduated law school from the University of Chicago, that she came from money, and that she thought that children were annoying. She wouldn't be interested in a grimy, law-school-dropout bartender, Nick had thought. But Lo and behold when she stood up to leave the bar, there was a post-it note with her phone number sitting next to her empty glass. She had flashed him a very sweet smile, and told him she really hoped he would give her a call if he wanted to go out sometime.

After Nick's shopping trip, the loft was stocked with frozen pizzas, cheap beer and Jack Daniels for a game of True American, and several bags of mini pretzels.

Ever since Dakota and Nick had started dating, it was her tradition to visit him at Clyde's while she was on her lunch break, and he would offer up Clyde's secret gourmet menu. "Filet Mignon, Chilean Sea Bass, or a Lobster Ravioli will be your choices today miss." He had told her. After she responded with a laugh that the steak sounded good, Nick had set a bowl of mini pretzels in front of her. "Bon Appetit."

Around 5:00, Nick started to worry that Jess was never going to come out. He hadn't spoken to her much ever since the night at the bar; their conversations consisted mostly of perfunctory "good mornings" and "good nights."

"Well we've both been busy." He had rationalized to himself, but he knew that something was wrong; she hadn't worn polka dots all week.

Over the last couple weeks, Nick had not been spending many nights at the loft. His life had been a sudden whirlwind of attending art gallery openings, going to office parties, networking events, and lots of sex in every possible place in Dakota's huge, expensive apartment. She had so many fancy rugs and carpets that it was hard for him to pick a favorite room.

Though his initial impressions of her as a tough, intense, serious woman had not been proven wrong, she had revealed a very sweet and vulnerable side at times. He still did not know why on earth she would be attracted to a lazy, failure of a man like him, but since he's Nick "never overthinks anything" Miller, that didn't bother him in the slightest. It definitely didn't keep him up at night long after she had fallen asleep next to him.

Dakota said she would be there at 7 pm, and she was never late. So when Jess finally came out of her room and plunked herself on the couch in the living room with a sigh, Nick was somewhat relieved. Whenever he thought about how he had neglected to mention Dakota to Jess, it ate at him. He was burning with curiosity to know what Jess would think of her. His curiosity about what Jess thought of her was like an itch that he couldn't scratch. He desperately wanted Jess to like her, and he did not know why. Though it was important to him that Dakota met all of his roommates, if he was being honest with himself, it was mostly about introducing her to Jess.

Over the months that Jess had been living with them, Nick had gotten very close to her. Of course Schmidt was still his best friend, and Winston was his oldest childhood friend, but Nick had always felt strangely drawn to Jess. It's not like her thought about her romantically he told himself, it was just that she had this way of getting in his head, and making him second guess things that he had always been sure of.

His whole life Nick had known he's not really a good guy. Sure he might do good things sometimes, but everyone would. Look at his dad: Walt may have donated money to a charity, but he got that money from conning people in the first place. That's the way the world works; people only do good things for other people to make themselves feel better. Also, Nick knew that given the chance, he would always just fuck things up for the people he cared about. Like when Schmidt bought him a cookie, he realized that it had never occurred to him to spontaneously buy his friend a cookie. He just didn't do that. It wasn't his thing, but it was just different with Jess. When it was his turn to go grocery shopping, he found himself putting things in the cart that he knew she would like, without even thinking about it. When he heard the theme song for the Walking Dead playing from the TV, he knew to go sit and watch it, even if he'd already seen the episode. And when she was upset about something, he sometimes felt this wild urge to make her feel better. The idea of her being unhappy made him feel uneasy. When she first moved in and was crying about Spencer he had no idea what to do with himself. It felt like he had bathed in honey and rolled in ants; he couldn't sit still. He needed to constantly ask her if she was okay, to watch _Dirty Dancing_ with her, and to grab her boxes of tissues. After one such time, she had whispered in a throaty voice following a crying session, "You're a good guy Nick." while laying her head on his shoulder.

The way she had said it so casually, but with such certainty, gnawed at him for days. She had said it as if it was a simple fact like any other: "The sky is blue," "The ocean is wet," "banks are a scam." It really made him wonder; is he really a good guy? And for the first time he wondered if that really meant something. Because if being a good guy gave him the feelings that he got from being around Jess, then he wanted to be a good guy all the time.

He knew that Jess was unhappy with him about Dakota. He didn't know what she thought exactly, he didn't know why, but it bothered him. He knew he would be on edge until he was able to clear the air with Jess, and he couldn't go on the way they had been the last few days. He decided that no matter what, he would talk to Jess tonight.

Dakota, Nick, Jess, and the guys had a great time. They got drunk playing True American, they laughed, and drank, and ate, and Dakota said she "Just loved" all of "Nicholas'" roommates.

Jess had a big smile plastered on her face the whole night. She smiled when Nick suggested they play True American, she smiled when she asked Schmidt to pass the pizza, she smiled when she gave Dakota a big hug when they met, and she smiled when she said goodnight to Nick and Dakota. She even smiled when Nick and Dakota had to kiss because of the (give me some) Sugar Act of 1764. But Nick knew. He knew that the smile was a lie, and he knew because the feeling didn't go away. He still had that burning, itching, pressing need to make Jess feel better, even though she acted like she was fine.

So when Nick woke up at 3 AM, went to the kitchen for a glass of water, and ran right into Jess doing the exact same thing, he had to say something. He walked to the other side of the kitchen island so that he was standing a few steps in front of her, and she watched him approach like she was a wild animal thinking about bolting. He opened and closed his mouth several times, Jess watching him still as if she was about to run at any second, before he finally settled on the words.

"Why don't you like her Jess?" Nick asked in a quiet voice, completely innocent of blame or sadness, just confused.

"What do you mean?" Jess replied defensively. "I was perfectly nice to her, and she didn't do anything to me. Why wouldn't I like her?"

"I don't know Jess, you tell me. But I know you. I know when you're upset about something, and I know that you don't like her. She's a great girl, and I really hoped you would like her, so I'm mostly just confused. What's the deal?"

At his words, Jess felt her patience begin to wear thin. She was determined to stay calm and noncommittal, but she couldn't help the bite from creeping into her tone.

"What makes you think you know me so well? I have no problem with her, and I am perfectly happy. Sunshine and rainbows, just like always." She said. Narrowing her eyes at the end.

"C'mon Jess. We haven't talked all week. Just tell me what it is. Please." Nick said. Looking straight into her eyes.

Jess met his gaze, and felt warmth slowly wash over her, calming her growing anger. She could see in his soft brown eyes that he wasn't angry, just that he was genuinely concerned.

"Nick it's really nothing. I guess I just wouldn't have thought she was really your type." She blurted out quietly.

"My type?" Nick said incredulously. The bubbling anger that seemed to always be just below the surface quickly rising up, fueled by his preexisting insecurities. "Why? Because she has money? Because she's educated? Because she's a lawyer? Why?"

Though Jess was very rarely one to let anger get the best of her, Nick always seemed to bring it out from her. It was like they were rare molecules that only reacted with each other, and when they did it was an explosion. They truly bring out the best and worst of the other.

"Yeah Nick! Your type! Some preppy, blonde chick with green eyes who's just looking for her stay at home husband so she can feel happy about reversing the gender roles that her family probably had growing up!"

Nick was shocked, and now infuriated. "You don't know the first thing about her to say that. You've barely ever even spoken to her! And you obviously don't know me at all if that's what you think."

"Yes Nick, I do know you. And I know she's not your type, and it's not because she has money, or a job, or any of those things, it's because she's boring. What do you see in her Nick?!"

"Okay Jessica. If you know me so fucking well, what is my type then?" Nick asked harshly, his voice just below a shout. His eyes narrowed, and his forehead wrinkled in tension.

"Well!" Jess started to say, but then stopped. She was still registering his response. It was like he had just tossed a huge rock in a lake, and now the ripples were going further and further. "What is his type? What would I have expected Nick's girlfriend to look like?" She asked herself. She froze; her mouth was slightly open, and her eyes were pointed somewhere over Nick's shoulder. She desperately wanted to answer him, but she just couldn't summon the words. The hurt at him for lying, the bitterness at having to pretend to be happy all night, and the anger of the moment caused all the to be sucked out of her lungs. She was unable to speak the words to respond.

"I don't know what the fuck the problem is Jess, but I'm done with this shit for tonight. You're my friend, and I care about you a lot, but Dakota is my girlfriend." Nick said, interrupting her thoughts. He claimed her eye contact one more time, and when he saw that she met his angry gaze with one that was only confused he turned on his heel and walked back into his room, slamming the door.

Jess was still frozen. Her brain was trying to work backwards, to come up with a response for him, even though he had already left. Her brain was like a computer that tried to do too many things at once, and now the wheels was just spinning and spinning, making no progress. "What is his type?" She asked herself again, the thought echoing repeatedly over the white noise of the rest of her thoughts. But she had no answer. When she tried to imagine Nick bringing home a girl that she would approve of, absolutely nothing came to mind.

As the tears began to fall, she wanted to walk back into her room, but she was suddenly exhausted, and squeezed her eyes shut to hold back the tears. She was still incapable of intelligent thought; her anger and sadness clouded her. As badly as she wanted to go lay down in bed and forget about everything, she couldn't bring herself to move so she just stood there in the kitchen. "What is his type?" echoed once more faintly in her head, but the only thing that answered was the image of polka dots, brown hair, and blue eyes; certainly not blonde, green eyes, and grey.

**Gasp. Cliffhanger. Is Jess starting to realize she has feelings for Nick? What does Nick think? Will Nick break up with Dakota soon? (Yes)**

**Anyways, once again please review!**


	7. It's Not Just a River in Africa

**Authors Note: Thanks to all the people reading, I appreciate it a lot. Keep the reviews and favorites coming, it really means a lot to know people are enjoying my story, and it's what keeps me inspired to keep writing! **

**Chapter 7**

**It's Not Just a River in Africa**

Jess and Nick had managed to avoid any kind of meaningful conversation for a full week. With their rarely overlapping work schedules, they weren't often awake and at the loft at the same time, and with the newfound awkwardness between them they avoided each other almost completely.

Nick's new routine in the mornings was as follows: wake up to the sound of Jess singing in the morning from the kitchen (lately her track list had been a lot of Taylor Swift), lie facedown in the pillow and wait while trying not to smell her frying up eggs and making toast for breakfast, and then finally get out of bed when he heard the door open and shut with her departure.

Nick knew that he couldn't avoid her forever, and normally after a fight they weren't this awkward, but there was something about the drag out brawl they had had about Dakota that struck a chord with him. He had really wanted Jess to like her, and he had even thought Jess would be proud of him for "going for it" with a new girl like they had discussed. But just like always, Jess surprised him. Apparently she hated Dakota, and she even said that she was "boring" and "not his type." Whatever that means.

Seriously, what does that mean? "I'm a man." Nick thought to himself. "My type of girl is a girl who's got two boobs, a vagina, and two buttcheeks."

Well whatever. That question had bothered him enough all week, her shrill voice going back and forth in his head like a siren, saying that she "knows she's not his type." If she had said: "I don't _think_ she's your type." It would have been one thing, but no. She had to say: "I _know_ she's not your type." And just like with anything that comes out of the mouth of Jess-know-it-all-Day, she sounded like she was absolutely certain of the fact. He really hated that about her. Except for when he didn't, but for right now, he definitely did. Normally he appreciated that she was so different from all the dumbass college girls and drunk chicks at the bar that would listen without flinching to his conspiracy theories that were so ridiculous he didn't even believe them fully himself, but he sure as hell didn't appreciate that from her right now.

After Nick heard Jess slam the door on her way out of the loft for work, he got out of bed to hop in the shower. Nick decided he was sick and tired of thinking about Jess, and that today would be different. Dakota had invited him over to spend the day with her, and he was sure that she would have the whole day planned out for them.

~~NJ~~

"So what do you wanna do?" Dakota asked him.

Nick had driven over to her apartment at about 10, and the very first thing they did was go right to her bedroom. They were now laying in her bed, wrapped up in the soft yellow sheets facing each other. For some reason, Dakota wasn't a big cuddler after sex, but Nick was totally cool with that. In fact, he preferred it. He's a man, it's not like he absolutely adored cuddling or anything. A girl who isn't into cuddling is totally his type.

Besides, Jess was like weirdly into cuddling, and he had more than enough of it with her.

She wanted to cuddle when she was sad: like when she read some book that a student brought to her about some gorilla named Cocoa. "Kitty…. Love… Car…. Gorilla.. Ahhhh…" seemed to be the only words that she could get out, in a different order each time. Sobs wracked her body while she sat on the couch, and the book was lain on the coffee table in front of her. Earlier that day, Nick had noticed her carrying the book, recognized it immediately because he had checked it out from the library several years ago thinking it would be full of cool facts about gorillas only to be heartbroken over a story of a dead kitten and a crying gorilla. So he immediately warned Schmidt and Winston of the impending doom. They immediately made themselves scarce, leaving it up to Nick to sit with her, put his arm around her frail shoulders, let her tear stained face get his shirt all damp, and quietly whisper reassurances to her.

She wanted to cuddle when she was scared: like when she first started watching The Walking Dead, and had woken up with nightmares. Nick had just gotten home from closing the bar, and was drinking a beer while watching TV when he heard her screams. "Jess?! What's wrong?!" He had yelled, while running immediately into her room. After a brief discussion of how zombies weren't real, and how ridiculous she was being, she played her trump card, saying "Please Nick?" and looking into his eyes. Before he knew it, he had agreed to sit with her on the couch and hold her while they waited for her to not be scared anymore.

But most of the time, she would just want to cuddle for no reason. Her strategy would never change: she would just plop herself down right next to him on the couch without asking, wait a few minutes, turn her head and stare at him until he met her eyes, rest her head on his shoulder, take a deep breath, sigh, and then just wait. At this point, every single time, without fail, he put his arm around her. He didn't know why he did it, and it was starting to feel like he was being tricked because every time she would immediately wiggle in closer to his body like she had been just waiting for him to move his arm around her, but he couldn't say no to the eyes and the sigh.

But he had had enough of it! Even if she was soft, and even if something about the way she sunk into him contentedly made him feel like more of a man, he had definitely had enough.

Why was he even thinking about Jess right now anyways? He was in bed with his beautiful girlfriend. Who was totally his type.

He took a deep breath in through his nose, and got a good whiff of Dakota's perfume and shampoo. Lemon? Lemon, and orange? Very citrus-y. It smelled nice still, but normally he preferred something a little bit more fruity, maybe like strawberries. Like the kind that Je-

He shook his head to interrupt that train of thought.

"I don't know. I figured you'd have planned something for us." Nick responded lightly.

"Well I guess we could go on a walk and go get lunch or something if you want."

~~NJ~~

Nick thought to himself that maybe he would've appreciated a little bit of a plan, seeing as Dakota invited him over to spend the day with her and all.

(If it were Jess for example, she probably would've had an elaborate multi event day planned, with a picnic, at least 2 different bakeries, some new spot in LA he'd never been to, and she'd introduce him to some new thing that he loved but would never admit it. Like the time bought him a full case of some kind of hipstery craft beer that Nick _just knew_ he would hate, but it ended up tasting like what he imagined winning a boxing match in the 1920's would taste like.)

But honestly, doing stuff like that all the time is just tiring. A girl that was lazy about things just like him? That's definitely his type. He would not want to deal with a girl that always pushed him to try new stuff, or tried to go get him to do stuff all the time.

"That place looks pretty good. Lets go eat there." Nick said, pointing out some random restaurant as they walked.

"Yeah sure, sounds good."

The food didn't end up being very good, but Nick ate every bite.

~~NJ~~

Nick sat in the corner of the couch, while Dakota laid lengthwise with her head sitting next to Nick's leg. Her air conditioning was out, and she said it was too hot for them to "snuggle."

"Snuggle? Do people really use that word? I'm pretty sure that the word is cuddle. Snuggle doesn't sound very comforting, but cuddle does." Nick thought.

He had panicked when his girlfriend told him to pick the movie, usually Jess just picked it out for him, but he definitely appreciated the chance to watch a not girly movie for a change. Unfortunately, due to his panic, he didn't take advantage of the opportunity. He scrolled quickly through, and clicked a movie at random. They ended up watching some silly Christmas comedy, even though it wasn't even particularly close to Christmas time. A grown man in green tights was running around New York, but for some reason neither of them found it particularly entertaining. "Jess would love this guy." Nick thought to himself when the man started loudly singing in the middle of a department store. He was milliseconds away from turning his head to comment on how much the guy and Jess had in common with their embarrassing singing, when he remembered that he wasn't with Jess, and also that he hated when people talk during movies. Jess did it all the time, and it was the most annoying thing. Even though sometimes she would point things out that he didn't even know he'd missed, or she would look up at him from next to him and make some corny comment and he would crack a smile and shake his head at her.

Good thing Dakota doesn't talk during movies, that would be so annoying.

~~NJ~~

After finishing the Christmas movie Nick stood up without thought and walked over to the freezer. He would always go get the ice cream after he and Jess finished watching a movie. They would each take a spoon and pass the bin back and forth while talking about the movie they had just watched. Jess loved desert, she said it was the best meal of the day. There was a never ending supply of cupcakes, cookies, brownies, and bins of ice cream in their home.

"What ya doin'?" Dakota asked him, tilting her head up to be in view from the kitchen.

Cursing inwardly at his confusion, Nick turned and faced the back of the couch, putting both his hands flat on the kitchen island counter, looking at Dakota peaking over the couch. "Oh just thought I would grab us some ice cream or something."

"Oh I don't really buy any ice cream. I'm not much of a desert person." Dakota responded casually, lowering her head back to the couch.

He tilted his head in confusion, narrowing his eyes slightly and bunching up his forehead in confusion and thought. Not much of a desert person?

~~NJ~~

Jess came back from her date around midnight. There was a new teacher at her school named Ryan who had just arrived from Britain, and she had agreed to show him around town. They had gone out once before, but she hadn't originally planned on calling him back. He was perfectly nice, he was smoking hot, they even had a lot in common, but he was just boring. He didn't have a ton of personality. But after her fight with Nick the previous week, she had called him to ask if he wanted to go out again. The second date went much better than the first. His positivity about his job, and about his life was so endearing to her, and she kept thinking that he was putting into words things that she had thought about before. Before she stepped into a taxi to head home, he had leaned in and kissed her softly on the lips. She blushed the entire ride home.

As soon as she walked in the door of the loft she knew something was up. Maybe it was the pyramid of empty beer bottles sitting on the kitchen table, maybe it was the National Geographic channel that was running on full volume with nobody watching it, or maybe it was something in the air.

As she was about to open the door to her room she was surprised to hear a small noise from Nick's room. He was supposed to stay at Dakota's tonight wasn't he?

She knocked cautiously on his door and spoke softly. "Nick are you in there?"

Nick coughed, and cleared his throat. "Yeah Jess. I'm in here."

She pushed open the door lightly, and stepped gingerly into his room. "What's up?"

As she ran her gaze across his room, she took in the scene. Clothes were strewn across the room like a tornado had just scattered them randomly, and his bed sheets looked like someone had played twister on them. Nick was seated at his desk in an office chair, and had spun to partially face her. He had his laptop in front of him, and there were several empty beer bottles to his right. His eyes were dark, and his hair was disheveled like he had been running his hands through it.

He took a deep breath in, his eyes raising from the floor to meet hers. "Jess…" He began in a soft tone, but then looked her up and down in slight confusion and stopped. "What's with the dress?"

Jess was struck by the unexpected charge in between them. It had seemingly come from nowhere. It was suddenly so palpable that it was like a third person in the room with them, watching them have the conversation.

"I had a date." She said quietly.

Nick pursed his lips and nodded. "Oh." he said. "Of course you did."

Jess was baffled by their interaction. His response suddenly seemed so full of meaning that she was having trouble understanding what exactly was happening between them in that moment.

"Did something happen Nick?" Jess asked tentatively, taking another step into his room.

He sighed deeply, "She's not a dessert person Jess." Before turning back to face his laptop again.

Taking in his obvious unhappiness and the number of beer bottles across the loft, Jess understood, but she was suddenly torn. This last week had been so painful and uncomfortable for her that she had no idea where they stood, but she could feel his distress. Her body twitched to walk towards him and wrap her arms around his shoulders in a reassuring hug, but instead she turned around and walked out the door. She paused at the entryway before going back into the hall, "Good night Nick." Her voice was thick with worry and unanswered questions.

"Night Jess." He responded without turning around.

She shut his door and went into her room.

**Don't forget to favorite, review, and follow! I'll be updating at least once a week, and there's still plenty of story to tell. Hope you enjoy! **


	8. Drowning

**Chapter 8 **

**Drowning**

**AN: Really depressing chapter. This is taking me a long time to write, as I'm really trying to get into Nick's head to do this. I had plans for this chapter to cover more story wise, but things will move forward again soon and will definitely perk up some. My goal with this fanfic is really to write about Nick and characterize him, so this chapter is entirely that. **

Nick was very thankful that his roommates always expected him to be emotionally destroyed after a breakup. Winston had been bringing him beers every so often at night, Schmidt stopped constantly heckling him about his life as much, and Jess made an abundance of baked goods while also giving Nick lots of room to breathe.

Which was exactly what he needed.

He had called in to work on monday morning saying that he had the West Nile Virus and that he would need the week off, which Clyde generously responded to with: "Another breakup Bud? Sorry to hear it, she seemed like a nice gal. Take a few days."

He could hear Schmidt, Jess, and Winston in the living room talking about how they thought he had "really liked Dakota," and how "they didn't understand why they broke up." He hadn't seen much of them all week due to his self imposed exile in his room, but he knew they thought he was a crying mess and was "deep in his dark place."

But that actually wasn't the case. Yeah he was upset, yeah he was confused, and yeah he was avoiding all human contact, but it wasn't because of Dakota. It was because of his annoying, beautiful, bug eyed roommate across the hall with the stupid bangs.

Once upon a time his type was blondes. Caroline? She was perfect. A blonde girl with a big butt? Yes please. Dakota? Another winner. But all of a sudden, when he thought about going to the bar late at night and finding some girl who wanted to come home with him, it didn't seem the same. His whole life, the thought of losing himself in some grad school student or hot, California twenty-something had a magnetic appeal to him; like a craving for some weird food that he just happened to have some of in the fridge. But now the pull was gone. When he daydreamed now, it wasn't of undressing some faceless girl, and claiming a momentary release, it was of holding someone, and feeling truly close to them.

It was like his whole life he had been missing a piece of himself, and he hadn't even known, but now he knew and he could feel its absence; and he wanted it. He wanted it _bad. _

When Jess had said to him: "I know she's not your type," and he had responded by asking what she thought his type was, that was when he started to realize. Her immediate response was to fire back a retort, but Nick could tell that she completely drew a blank. He had almost wanted to laugh at the way Jess had completely floundered on her words, and how she had absolutely no response to what his type really was, but the situation was violently unfunny. When he had yelled back at her, and saw her eyes go wide, her jaw go slack, and her mind start failing to find an answer for him, he felt his stomach drop to his toes.

Right when Jess moved into the loft they had chemistry, and it was electric. He always figured it wasn't a big deal if they flirted every now and then, as long as he didn't develop feelings… but of course he had. At first it was just a crush, then the crush was deepened by a desire to always be near her and to protect her, so then it developed into a real compassion for her. So he adjusted new rules for himself. As long as she didn't know he liked her, they were fine. And he hid it well. He cheated sometimes, when he was drunk he would be extra nice to her, look for excuses to touch her, or let her take care of him. Or one time he carried her into her room and put her to bed when she passed out on the couch, but for the most part he treated her the same as he always had before he realized the feelings that were growing.

Nick understood women for the most part. He had always been kind of a ladies man, and he certainly wasn't stupid. When Jess so thoroughly disapproved of Dakota for no reason, and she was unable to tell him what she thought his type was, he looked into her eyes and saw that she wanted him. That scared the shit out of him.

Nick had never understood why girls like Caroline, Dakota, or any of the beautiful young girls from the bars were into him, but that's their loss. If they didn't realize what a fuckup he is, then he wasn't gonna be the one to tell them. He would have a good time hanging out with them, and dating them, but eventually they would see him for what he was and would run for the hills, never to be seen again.

But that could never happen with Jess. It would hurt too much. For both of them.

The thing he wanted more than anything in the world was to be able to share himself completely with someone. He wanted to roll over in bed, look into a woman's eyes and see his own unconditional love reflected in them. He wanted to know, and be known by someone completely and truly, and be loved in spite of it. But that was impossible. His own father hadn't even loved him enough to stick around.

He could never let Jess truly get to know the real him, no matter how badly he wanted to. Nick had been broken a few times, but he had always put himself back together. If the day ever came where he looked into Jessica Day's blue eyes and saw _that look, _he would be shattered beyond repair. If he saw her eyes fill with the cold understanding of the kind of person he really was: weak, pathetic, and unworthy, he would never be the same. So he had to keep his distance, and he could never let her know how strongly he was beginning to feel for her.

He was in too deep with her now; he had swam out too far. He couldn't swim back to shore; he cared too much, and she was too intricately tied into his life. It would be too painful to lose what they had already built. He was terrified of going further out to sea and hurting the both of them, he knew that letting her down would be an inevitability, and he couldn't put her through that. So instead he stayed exactly where he was and let himself drown.

He had spent the time in his room in a continuous cycle. He would start by panicking, then a slow ascent of hope would begin, where he would allow himself to indulge in fantasies of holding hands or intertwining bodies with Jess, followed by a moment of deep disappointment where he remembered that these good things could never happen for him. He would then let himself wonder if he was selfish enough to go into something with her, and just deal with the consequences later, but then the panic would strike again and bring him all the way crashing back down. It was exactly like he was bobbing up and down, drowning in the ocean. When his head was above the waves, he could see the sun and feel it's warmth, and he would imagine that he was fine, but when he was below all he could feel was the cold chill and inability to fill his lungs that was the reality of the situation.

But finally, after several days of drowning, Nick began to tread water.

It started in the late afternoon, none of the roommates had returned from work yet. He had woke up around 1, but layed in bed for another couple hours before he finally walked to the kitchen. He sat himself at the kitchen island with a plate in front of him, and looked up to see a bottle of bourbon left on the counter. Suddenly a memory rushed back to him. He thought back to the time that he run into a man that claimed he was "future Nick," and he had apologized to Jess for something he hadn't done yet, and made her an Old Fashioned. At the time it had seemed like something that wasn't that big of a deal, but now that he was able to look back on it he could see the message bubbling underneath the surface of her words.

"**Alright this is gonna sound really weird, but in the future I might do something really bad to you, and I hope you'll forgive me… Do you like Old Fashions Jess?"**

"**I've actually always wanted to try one, how did you know? … What are you gonna do to me?"**

"**I don't know… But it could be bad."**

"**Well I forgive you."**

He remembered the way her eyes had sparkled when he had offered her the drink, touched that he had somehow known she had wanted one, and the way she had promised to forgive him with soft certainty and a half smile. She answered as though there was nothing in the world that Nick could possibly do that he wouldn't be worth forgiving for it. He thought she was just being a friend, but she was telling him that she cared enough about him that she would forgive him, no matter what.

No one had ever said anything like that to him before.

He rested his elbows on the table, and buried his head in his hands, everything suddenly spinning. Jess was the only person who had ever accepted him like that without question. For some reason, she truly believed that he was worthy. That he was a good guy, and that he took good care of her. He could tell that she thought he wouldn't ever let her down, but even if he did, she was confident she would forgive him.

He really wanted her. He had never wanted anybody more, and the depth of his feelings for her ran deeper than he even had known he was capable of. So what if she was worth it? What if he could be strong enough for her to be more? What if there was the slightest chance that she felt the same way about him? He knew that even if he found out Jess was a serial killer with bodies hidden all across LA he would still care about her, so what if she was willing to stand by him the same way?

He knew that he couldn't keep drowning, eventually he had to make a decision. Going back just wasn't an option, but maybe he could go out deeper with her and together they would find something.

He heard a key move in the lock, and the door open. Jess stepped casually in the door and tossed her purse lightly onto the table near the entrance.

"Hey! You're up. How you feeling?" She chirped at him happily, her eyes warming at seeing him out of his room.

He regarded her for a long moment before responding. Taking in her white and yellow polka dot dress, her innocent blue eyes, her long dark hair, and the way she seemed to glow with purity and happiness. Maybe he was broken and fucked up, but if there was anyone in the world that was likely to accept him regardless, it was the beautiful girl standing in front of him.

A slight smile grew across his features and softened his eyes before he responded, "Better. I'm feeling better."


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

"Good! I'm glad… We're all glad. We were starting to get really worried about you in there." Jess responded. She spoke slowly, each word chosen carefully.

"Yeah I really just had to work some stuff out. I know you guys think I go crazy after breakups and my reaction didn't help that, but really this was different."

His heart was pounding quickly now, and he could feel his face heating up, his hands start to get clammy, and his back to start sweating. 'Don't wuss out now Miller.' he thought to himself. 'You made your bed, now lie in it.'

He forced himself to meet her eyes, and stepped gingerly towards her to close the gap between them. "I actually wanted to talk to…-" He started softly, feeling his heart rate rising continuously and his apprehension growing.

He was well used to the feelings he got when he asked out a woman. It was exactly the same as stepping on a roller coaster; all you had to do was step in, and once the bar came down you could just ride it out. You only had to be brave enough to get on the ride, after that it took care of itself. But with Jess it was different. It wasn't a rollercoaster he would be getting on to, it was a freight train going 500 miles an hour, there's no seatbelt, and for all he knows it could be going off a cliff. He had to physically force himself to say each word, they didn't just spill out easily the way they normally would.

Before he could continue, his voice was cut off by the demanding shriek of her cell phone. She gestured with one finger at Nick and a look of apology, and answered the phone, speaking in a slightly quieted tone and averting her eyes away from his.

"Hey Babe, what's up?"

Nick tilted his head to the floor and gritted his teeth. The burning fire he had felt inside while he gathered courage had transformed into cold rocks in the pit of his stomach. He tuned out her conversation with Ryan, trying to fight away the dark storming cloud of disappointment that raged overhead. He knew he had no right to feel the way he did about Jess' boyfriend, but just as he never chose to feel the way he did about Jess, the choice to hate Ryan was made for him. He had met him a few time, and he was friendly and cordial each time, even if painfully boring and seemingly out of place. He saw the way she smiled at Ryan; she was completely infatuated with him. She was a hopeless romantic, and when the cutesy British guy who looked like a prince from a fairytale got a job at her school, she was a goner. Ryan's 'deal' was painfully obvious to Nick from the start. He was fake, and it was easy for him to act perfect when things were going great with Jess, but Nick knew that as soon as they hit a bump Ryan would be out the door, leaving Nick, Winston, and Schmidt to pick up the pieces. Jess didn't need some magical perfect relationship to be happy, she just needed someone who knew her, and would always be there for her. She needed someone that would always fight to take care of her, no matter what.

But how could he hate someone that made Jess happy? At this very second, Jess was making dinner plans with Ryan, and smiling shyly at their conversation even though it was over the phone. Even if he didn't trust Ryan, and he knew that he would just let her down, he would never get in the way of something that made Jess smile.

His inner monologue ran uninterrupted, blocking out the remainder of Jess' phone call. Nick snapped back to reality at the noise made when Jess set her phone on the table and sat down at the stool.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" Her eyes were tilted upwards at his, bright with curiosity and sparkling with contentment.

"Oh it was nothing. Just forget about it." He responded, forcing a smile for her sake.

"Alright weirdo. Well the guys and I were thinking we could go to your bar tonight to celebrate you being cured of your West Nile Virus. I'm going out to dinner with Ryan, but we can meet you after at like 10?"

Jess was clearly excited about her date, and Nick knew how terrible he would feel if he ruined that for her. Even though the last thing he wanted in the world was to hangout with Jess and her new boyfriend, there was no way he could possibly say no to her.

~~NJ~~

It was 10:22 PM, and Nick, for once, wasn't as drunk as his friends. Schmidt and Winston had been drinking heavily since about 9, while Nick had only had two beers. The idea of getting lost in a bottle of Jack, or downing beer after beer until his vision swam and he couldn't feel anything just didn't appeal to him. All he could think of would be how childish it would be to throw up in the toilet at the loft while Jess patted his back pitifully, or how ridiculous and dumb he acts whenever he drinks. Especially now that he was starting to realize exactly how deep his feelings ran towards Jess, he owed it to her and himself not to let her find out at the wrong time.

He sat on Schmidt's right, with the seat next to him saved for Jess. Winston was thoroughly distracted by a drink made inside of a pineapple husk in front of him, while Schmidt cradled a near empty bottle of melon liqueur and was drunk enough that he no longer really made sense. He just kind of moaned about Cece, and random words like: "Billy Joel" or "goddess" would be heard every so often.

The door suddenly burst open, and a very disheveled looking Jess made her way over to their spot. Her eyes were blotchy, and her dress was soaking wet. She sat down next to Nick and put her head in her hands.

He scooted close to her, alarmed, and spoke to her. "Jess what's wrong? What happened?"

Her voice was thick with emotion, and she was obviously holding back tears. "Ryan broke up with me. He said he's going back to England, and it just made sense."

"Jess I'm so sorry." Nick reached an arm around her shoulders, and she set her head gently on his shoulder. He could feel her tears beginning to fall, soaking into his shirt. "Why don't we skip the drinks, and head back home to watch Dirty Dancing?" He spoke very softly, directly into her ear that rested on his arm.

She turned her eyes up at him, the tears that pooled in them serving only to emphasize their sharp blue color, and merely nodded at him.

"Let's go. These clowns can catch a cab home."

The ride home was tense, and neither of them said much. Jess was still battling back tears, while Nick wanted to give her as much space as she needed. If she wanted to cry on his shoulder, he would let her, if she wanted to pretend that she was fine, then he would let her do that too.

When they stepped out of the cab, Jess grabbed tightly onto his hand. Nick was surprised, but didn't object. Throughout the walk to the elevator, and the ride upstairs she didn't let go, but she also didn't meet his eyes or speak. She just quietly kept her eyes downwards and gripped tightly onto his hand.

She didn't let go until he walked her into the loft, she sat down, and he went to turn the movie on. After he hit play he sat down with about a foot of space between them, but she immediately closed the gap and tucked herself into his side, underneath his arm.

Throughout the movie she shook slightly with repressed emotion, and she laughed a few times, but mostly she cried or she was quiet. He had an arm around her, and her head was once again resting on his shoulder. His shirt was thoroughly soaked through now with tears, but he barely even noticed.

The credits rolled, but neither of them shifted an inch.

Jess suddenly cleared her throat, she looked up into his eyes from his side. "Nick, thank you. You're always here for me, and I don't know what I would do without you."

Suddenly for Nick, all of his thoughts on Jess began to move in a new direction. He had always stopped himself from indulging in "what ifs," and had never even really allowed himself to wonder if it was possible he could keep Jess happy. But for a second he thought to himself: what would our lives be like if we were together? And she was right. He was always there for her, and there was no way that he would ever not be there for her. She didn't need a perfect guy, she needed someone that would always be by her side, someone that loved her. If they were together he knew that he would never hurt her, he simply wasn't capable of it. She deserved somebody perfect, but there's no such thing as perfection.

Ryan had seemed to be that guy, he was clean, rich, emotionally mature, and had a lot in common with Jess, but that wasn't enough. As Nick thought about it, it all started to click into place. The only person that he knew beyond any doubt that wouldn't ever hurt Jess, was himself. Yeah he might let her down at some point, but there was absolutely nothing in the world that would stop him from being there for her, and that's what she needed. In that moment, he came to an important crossroads: he loved Jessica Day. He knew that even if it would be the hardest thing he ever did, from then on he would be good enough for Jess. He would get his life together, he would pick himself up, and he would be there for her. It may sound noble, but really there was no other choice for him, and it was a simple decision once he realized that. He couldn't live as just her friend, so he had to be more; and now he knew that it was possible for him to be more. He knew how strongly he felt about her, and he knew that's what she needed.

Now that he was sure of his course, Nick just had to figure out a plan. Now wasn't a good time to tell her how he felt obviously, but it had to be soon. "What if she doesn't love you back?" he wondered to himself, but the thought was just so painful that he couldn't go down that road. He would give her time, he decided. He would wait until the time was right for them, and then he would make a move. So for now, he just turned his head slightly and kissed the top of her head. "You're welcome honey."


End file.
